My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
