You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
