Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
