oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
