The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Randomize
