I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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