I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
