I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
