No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
