you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
