So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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