Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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