Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
