My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
