DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
