When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
