Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
