Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
