he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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