I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
