So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
