I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
