Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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