Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
