I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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