bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
