she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
