i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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