genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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