you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
they call him Oral-B. enough said
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
