don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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