ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
