Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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