I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My cat gives me a boner
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
