I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
