wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
