I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
