remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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