Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
