My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i think i have two assholes
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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