Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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