My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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