Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
