I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
