I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
