I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
