so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
