you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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