i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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