I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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