Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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