When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
