Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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