I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
