No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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