i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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